I just want her
by valk1
Summary: Valkubus. What if Bo had gone into Tamsin's memory instead of Dyson's, in the style of La Fae Époque?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Season 4 was a disappointment and I felt little inspiration for a longer story arc. I did however, wonder how it might have looked if Bo entered Tamsin's memory instead of Dyson's. This will be a short one, from Bo's POV.

* * *

"I'm not sure this is a good idea." I'm sitting in a booth at the Dal, listening to Trick and Lauren describe a fae ritual that would allow me to enter Tamsin's mind to search through her memory.

"It's an innocuous process, Bo," Lauren insists, "It won't harm her in any way, it will just give you access to the memories she has of you from her past life."

"She'll probably be back soon anyway-"

"Bo," my grandfather pleads, "it's probably not a coincidence that she left town the day you got that in the mail." He gestures to the jar of smoke sitting untouched at the foot of the bar. "We all _hope_ that Tamsin had nothing to do with it but we need to be sure."

"Tamsin is like one of the family now: I know she'd never do anything to hurt me." They exchange a look that tells me that neither believes me but both know better than to say it.

"She's been like one of the family since her rebirth and that's because she's had no memory of her past life or her past motivations," Lauren says hesitantly. "What if the old Tamsin returned, the one with sinister intentions? What if that's why she left all of a sudden?"

"No," I shake my head emphatically. I remember the way she looked at me before we parted ways at Taft's. _You're not like anyone I've ever met, in any of my many lifetimes._ "I just… I know she wouldn't hurt me."

"If that really is the case Bo," Lauren counters, "this will simply allow you to confirm your intuition."

I sigh and nod, eager just to get it over with so they'll be satisfied.

Once I discover that Cassie the mall girl oracle is involved, it takes another hour for Lauren to convince me to go ahead with the ritual. I'm leery of her flakiness but Lauren is right – despite her personality, she is reliable when it comes to this sort of thing. We decide to perform it in Kenzi's room, on the bed where the Valkyrie has laid her head each night since her return. Lauren starts by carefully placing electrodes on my temples, neck and chest, then moves on to do the same to Cassie. "I will be your anchor in Tamsin's mind," Cassie explains, her voice a bit too chipper for my liking.

Lauren attaches a red string to her ankle and another to mine. "Cassie will channel and locate Tamsin, and then this string of fate will keep you connected. If anything goes wrong she will appear to signal that it's time to leave. You will experience each memory from Tamsin's point of view and see yourself from her perspective. At first it will feel awkward but if you keep calm you will quickly adjust. Cassie will guide you through the memories that pertain to you, and you can keep an eye out for any clues about what she might have been up to…"

The sound of Lauren's voice fades out of range and I feel as if I am falling, as if I'm about to drift off to sleep. Then suddenly I'm sitting at a wooden table in a stone hut somewhere, wearing what looks to be some kind of ancient Valkyrie armour. I'm her, I'm Tamsin. Even with Lauren's warning it didn't occur to me how surreal it would feel to actually be in her body. I can't hear her thoughts but I can feel her emotions. I can feel her vitality. The strangest part is the total absence of hunger. It's the first time since my childhood that I've been free of my needs as a succubus. Her body pulses with a sense of tremendous physical power, accompanied evidently by a cocky attitude. She feels invincible. Typical Tamsin.

A handsome bearded man sits across from her, holding out a bag of gems. "A woman with eyes both brown and blue, virtuous yet lustful, neither dark nor light, yet both," he explains. _Eyes both brown and blue, I've heard that before..._

She rolls her eyes as she draws the pouch of treasure toward her. "A deal is struck," she concludes.

With a creepy look of satisfaction, the man gets up to leave, and an older, red haired woman comes in, frowning in concern.

"Gods, Tamsin, you know better than to make a deal with the Wanderer. You can be so impulsive sometimes..."

"Relax, Acacia. Did you hear him describe the bounty? No such woman exists. We've traveled the world for millennia without encountering a single soul who would fit that bill." She smirks as she lifts the mug of mead to her lips. So this was how her hunt for me began.

* * *

Now suddenly I'm sitting... in her truck, reviewing a case file with my own picture in it. This must be the day we met? I look in the mirror and there is Tamsin, staring back at me with those sharp green eyes. Something feels different than it did in the stone hut. Her body feels more tired than before. Maybe because she's at the end of her life cycle?

She adjusts her bra and I can't help but enjoy the feel of her breast under my fingers. I know this is too intimate, that I shouldn't be here, doing this. I remind myself that Trick and Lauren have my best interests in mind, and that it's better that I be the one to enter Tamsin's head than Lauren, or Dyson.

Staring at her face I'm reminded of how much I've missed the old Tamsin, the way she was before she died and returned. I miss her self-assurance and even her attitude problem. I miss the way she used to look at me, even if I never could fully decipher what emotion was hidden in her eyes. She is getting out of her truck now, case file in hand, sauntering toward the station. I look over and there are Dyson and I, heading toward our meeting about Atticus. She feels a bit too confident as she prepares to accuse me of putting that dark fae in a coma.

* * *

I float through a series of early encounters between us. Tamsin is cold and stiff through most of them, though over time she seems to develop a grudging respect for Dyson and for me, at least on a professional level. She spends a lot of time studying the case file and I'm left wishing I could read her thoughts.

Things begin to change the day that Inari, posing as Kenzi, has me locked up in the Dal. Tamsin feels a rush of proud validation when she gets to escort me to the cell in the back, and then smiles gleefully as she takes in the sight of me finally sitting behind bars. She bitches about Trick's decision to declare sanctuary, and then, on her way out, she has an unexpected moment of self doubt, self doubt which annoys her to no end. She sits down at the bar next to Inari, who is transfixed by a pair of silver earrings. Tamsin in turn is suspicious as she observes the girl fiddling around with them while evasively answering her questions. Realizing that her earlier triumph was actually hollow, she feels almost disappointed as she glances one last time at me before leaving the Dal. "A fucking kitsune in human clothing," she mutters to herself.

I have a hard time following her next conversation, with Evony in a limo somewhere. The Morrigan is unsurprisingly eager to see me "strung up and executed" and reminds Tamsin that she is loyal to the Dark. From what I gather, the Valkyrie might not be fond of 'the happy sunshine gang' but she is brimming with contempt for Evony. Then the brunette asks Tamsin to wake up a comatose fae, the one I allegedly assaulted outside the Dal. Apparently this will put him in a coma, and the Valkyrie is reluctant to follow orders.

Soon enough we're hiking through the trees, looking for Kenzi. Tamsin's eyeing me suspiciously. The kitsunes had a point; I really do look pasty. She is irritated at my slow pace, sighing impatiently.

"Jesus, you sound like you smoke 8 packs a day, take a knee soldier."

"No, I have to keep going," I wheeze, before falling to the ground.

She feels deeply uncomfortable listening to me explain the depth of my friendship with Kenzi. Sympathy for me obviously conflicts with her assignment from the Morrigan. But even though she's looking away, I can feel that this is the moment she realized I'm more than a monster, that I have a decent soul.

"When was the last time you fed?"

"I don't know, I can't remember."

She is confused at the state that I'm in, no doubt because she doesn't yet understand how a succubus would go without feeding for the sake of a monogamous relationship -with a human, of all people.

"You need a snack, so you can feed off of me."

"I kinda hate you."

"I don't exactly love it either but I need you cranked to 11, okay? Inari is a ballsy bitch and shit will definitely get real so feed off of me."

"You tell anyone about this and I will kill you."

"Yeah, yeah."She rolls her eyes as she leans in, vaguely irritated. It's so weird to kiss me, but I'll admit I'm pleased to discover how good it feels. I'm so starved that I draw her chi out far too quickly, at least for a Valkyrie at the end of her life cycle. Damn, I gave her quite the shock.

"I said feed off me not suck me dry!"

"Wow, that was amazing. I've never tasted chi like that. It was incredible... but different." I can sense a warm blush wash over her face as her gaze flits away from mine.

"It's not the first time someone said that about me," she boasts. She feels... flattered. Flattered and alarmed by just how much my compliment means to her. But she wants to get away from that feeling, so she clears her throat and we press on through the forest. She runs a hand through her hair and several blonde strands come loose; she nervously brushes them onto the ground.

When I go in the cave to find Kenzi she is left to take on the underfae by the entrance, but she's so tired her body feels leaden -no doubt because I took so much of her chi. It's frustrating for her, struggling with her shell of a body. She feels a sense of relief when I emerge and break the underfae goon's neck, and then a disconcerting warmth as she watches the intimacy between Kenzi, Dyson and I.

...

Tamsin walks through a hospital corridor and arrives at the room of a man in a coma. Shit; this is the guy she said I assaulted. She feels a deep ambivalence about her next move and somehow concentrates her mind to wake the man up. There's a buzzing feeling and her head hurts a little. He looks pained and confused.

"Where am I?"

"You were attacked, outside the Dal. Is this the woman who attacked you?" She holds up a picture -my picture.

"Make it stop."

"Is this the woman who attacked you?" she repeats coldly. Tamsin's trying to put distance between herself and the man. She feels a deep sense of dread rising within her.

"Yes. Yes, that's her. Make it stop..." She closes her eyes in concentration and the man flatlines. So it _was_ me. She was right. The Morrigan was right too. Why didn't anything come of this?

Tamsin sighs and exits the room to find Evony waiting for her. Doctors rush in to save him but I can hear them calling time of death.

"Well, did he identify Bo?"

"No," she lies.

Looking Tamsin up and down, the Morrigan appears surprised, yet curious. "Think about this, Valkyrie. Are you sure you want to play it this way?"

The Valkyrie nods defiantly. I'm not sure how to interpret what I've just seen.

* * *

We're at the Gatekeeper's table outside Brazenwood, the woman is hopelessly trying to shush her barking dogs. Tamsin feels... strangely protective. She's poised behind me like my own guard dog, her muscles tensed, ready for attack. I pull the Wanderer card and the Gatekeeper gasps. When Tamsin sees the card it's as if her heart stops. She feels dizzy for a moment before composing herself, then sweeps the cards off the table. It's surprising how much panic she conceals under her cool expression, as hundreds of years of arrogance come crashing down with the realization that I'm her bounty. By the time we reach the gate her mind is made up; she has bitched all day about how annoyed she is to have been dragged along on this errand but she refuses to leave my side.

...

Looking at Whitman splitting in two, guns drawn, Tamsin is filled with terror. But when she moves to intervene and the pharmacist holds her back, it's like she finally realizes I have to do this myself. Still, she can't bear to look and her heart is thumping so loudly it's all she can hear. She only turns back around when she hears Whitman groan as my knife pierces his chest. At the time I was so focused on him that I hadn't even noticed she'd turned away. Seeing me smile, she is overwhelmed by relief, and comes rushing to give me that kiss I never knew what to make of. Again it is utterly bizarre to be kissing myself in her body. Tamsin can't even believe what she's doing but when I finally reciprocate she practically swoons. Finally, she pulls back in shock and as we're led away by the squonk I can feel her heart racing again, this time for a very different reason.

As we drive back to the Dal with the squonk sitting between us I feel something slowly building inside her: desire. She is overwhelmed by my smell; the sound of my voice gives her goosebumps, and yes, she absolutely hates the effect I'm having on her. At this point I have to admit that she was having an effect on me too. For her though, was this real or just part of the Dawning invitation?

...

Back at Lauren's apartment she offers a weak excuse for why she came along to Brazenwood and works to recapture the distance between us between gulps of champagne. When she reaches the alley outside, a Wanderer tarot card drifts down onto the pavement. "No," she begs, as another card lands next to it, "please tell me she's not the one." She shakes her head in disbelief as one by one, more cards fall from the sky until it is practically raining tarot cards.

* * *

She's sitting on the back of her truck with the red haired woman from way back in the stone hut, recalling past battles over a case of beer. It's in moments like these when I realize just how much she has seen in her lifetimes. When Tamsin turns to go, Acacia finally confronts her. "How long are we going to pretend that you're not in serious trouble here?"

The blonde shrugs. "I'll figure it out."

"Really? How? Please regale me with your brilliant plan."

"I don't know. I'll find someone else he wants more and I'll make a trade."

"Name one person he wants more than this girl."

But Tamsin can't name one.

"You should have known this day would come. What did I tell you about making a deal with the Wanderer?"

She furrows her brow. "As much as I love hearing that you told me so it doesn't exactly help me here."

"You're right, I'm sorry… The only way I can help is to remind you that you're going to have to fulfill your end of the deal."

Tamsin sighs, finally letting her guard down. "I can't… I just can't."

"Yes, you can. You know what he's capable of if you don't. Are you really going to risk his wrath to protect some random succubus?"

Tamsin bristles at Acacia's words. "Her name is Bo," she announces defensively, "and she's more than just a succubus."

They are silent for a moment as Acacia takes a long look at Tamsin, gears turning in her head.

"That she may be, but in this game, love will get you killed."

"_I don't love her_," Tamsin quickly spits back in a disgusted tone. Yeah, that's a bit of a strong word for someone like her. She respects and even likes me, but love?

A look of pity settles into the elder woman's eyes. "Face it Tams, she got to you."

"No, she didn't," Tamsin snaps back, "even if I wanted to take her, she's been through the Dawning, she's too strong."

"He thought of that," Acacia informs her, pulling out a round little jar with a cork top. "This is a rune glass. Insert one hair from someone she loves, two from someone she trusts and three from her own head. It'll put the whammy on her and you can bring her in." She reaches over and places the glass into Tamsin's palm before closing the younger Valkyrie's fingers around it.

"I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way," Acacia offers as she walks away, "but I trust you'll buck up and make the right decision."

...

Tamsin's in Dyson's apartment, rifling through his drawers. I guess she had a pretty easy time making up her mind. She has just pulled a few hairs from the wolf's comb when she happens on a picture of me and feels pangs of affection. Sighing, she shuts the drawer and leaves the rune jar in the garbage. I am confused. If she had it at Taft's, does that mean she went back to Dyson's to rifle through his trash?

* * *

There's a box on Tamsin's desk at the precinct, no return address. She opens it and gags at the sight of Acacia's severed hand with its signature henna patterns. I can feel the bile rising in her throat as she recognizes the rune jar. She makes her way to the bathroom to throw up and then slides to the floor, holding her head in her hands and cursing.

...

She's drunk, in her truck, hours later, rolling the rune jar around in her palm as she swigs vodka straight from the bottle. Her glove compartment sits open, full of empty flasks. My picture stares back at her from the dash board. She feels fear, and a heavy grief. And confusion: she probably can't tell if the older woman is alive or dead. Out of nowhere she breaks into sobs, her eyes darting between my photograph and the box with Acacia's hand in it. I suddenly feel guilty again for being here, observing such a private moment. I am contemplating aborting the ritual, but before I can reach down and pull on the red string, Tamsin starts talking to herself and I freeze, unprepared for what I hear next.

"How could you be so weak?" she curses at the mirror. "Falling in love with a succubus like some goddamned cliche. Acacia was right; _she got to you." _ Her last words come out in a kind of mortified growl.

And there it is. I'm in shock at the sound of her words; I'd felt her feelings growing but she's been so good at suppressing and masking them, even from herself, that I hadn't thought it possible. Or maybe I just didn't want to.

"What the fuck are you going to do?" she asks herself. She lays down on the seat and sobs for a while longer before falling asleep.

* * *

"You shouldn't be."

"Be what?"

"Be real. Be here." Adoration, fear, guilt, sorrow - there's so much emotion storming around inside her she might very well explode. I was too focused on Lauren that day to understand what Tamsin was revealing when she got into the bath with me. Studying my own expression, I'm reminded that for a moment I was tempted to kiss her, until she pulled away and left the tub. She was clearly oblivious to my impulse, unable to see anything but the dilemma in front of her.

* * *

"Watch out!" Tamsin spots the human guard and before he can blink she steps in front of me. It's instinctive, even involuntary. Pain radiates from the bullet wound but she is too busy casting doubt on him to really register it. "This is the last time I do anything nice for you," she lies. Once again her actions express the opposite of her words. Why did it take me so long to recognize this pattern?

* * *

She's standing in the hallway at Taft's, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to herself. "He will kill you and raise you from the dead, just so he can kill you again." She tells me it's time to go, but the fight's not in her. Her body is weaker than ever but when her blade is against my throat and I tell her to fight, I feel a spark inside her. We stand and I see myself studying her, trying to figure out what's just happened.

And then she says it: "You're not like anyone I've ever met, in any of my many lifetimes."

I step forward. This time it went beyond temptation; this time, I definitely intended to kiss Tamsin. She recognizes this but she clearly can't handle it so she bolts.

* * *

Seeing the Wanderer in the road, Tamsin is desperately angry and afraid. Her foot hits the gas; Dyson is yelling as the truck speeds toward the shadowy figure. The figure turns around and it's … Cassie?

Time to go; I reach down and tear the string off my ankle. Everything goes black for a moment. Something isn't right. I hear the commotion before I can register what it is.

I'm back home. I open my eyes and see Tamsin tearing through the room, her giant wings knocking pictures off the wall. A lamp crashes to the floor. No one realizes I'm back.

"I SAID GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD. I WANT HER OUT THIS FUCKING INSTANT."

"I already told you I can't interrupt it, it could harm her if I pull her out-"

"What the fuck were you doing going in there in the first place?"

"We were just trying to get some answers," Lauren explains, "Bo got a jar of black smoke in the mail shortly after you left. We didn't think it was a coincidence. She had to know more about your connection to the Wanderer."

"What, you think_ I_ sent that jar to her?" the Valkyrie snarls. Lauren doesn't respond.

Kenzi is here, pleading with her."Tamsin, you need to calm down." She puts a hand on the Valkyrie's back but the blonde jerks away.

Then she turns to Lauren, "What the hell were you guys doing?"

Cassie sits up: "That was SO not what I was expecting, but then again you are a succubus... I'll leave you crazy kids to deal with this on your own." She makes her way for the door.

Ignoring Kenzi, the blonde marches up to me as I sit up to face her. "BITCH, YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO INVADE MY MIND."

"I'm sorry, Tamsin, I didn't know. I didn't mean to-"

"You didn't mean to what, creep through my past, through private moments for your own amusement? You had no reason to suspect me of meaning you harm. I surrendered at Taft's, I fucking gave up my life so I could get out of that contract on you. That was my last childhood, Bo, would it have killed you to give me a few more months of innocence?"

Fuck. It hadn't even occurred to us that going into her memory would have this effect. Angry tears shine in her eyes as she continues, "Imagine my surprise when I woke hours ago, recovering all my memories in one fell swoop and knowing that you were _in there_, inside of my head, learning shit you had no business knowing. I can't fucking believe you. Sorry Kenz but I'm out of here." She turns and storms out of the room, I trail close behind.

"Tamsin, wait!" I beg, "I'm sorry... I-"

"Fuck you, succubus," she shouts as she passes through the front door. I follow her outside but she takes to the sky before I get the chance to reason with her.

Kenzi emerges from the house just in time to watch her fly away. Her tone is accusatory as she unleashes her questions. "What the hell just happened? Why would you guys do this without asking me? What did you do to Tamsin? She's just a baby!"

But evidently the Valkyrie is a baby no longer, and I am the one responsible.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for all the generous reviews! Here is another instalment, I was going to stop at 2 chapters but I've stretched it out to 3.

* * *

"And you're a hundred percent certain that she poses no threat to you?" I am back in the Dal, debriefing with my grandfather, and after asking this question in a dozen different ways, Trick is starting to get on my nerves.

"Yes, end of discussion. If anything, I'm a threat to _her_ since I violated her brain."

"I'm sorry, Bo, but you know how she was. We just had to be sure. We didn't-"

"I was _already_ sure," I snap. Part of me wants to blame him but I'm the one who let them talk me into it. I'm the one who could have left at any time but stayed because I got so caught up in Tamsin's emotions.

"I'm sorry, Trick, it's just that the worst part is that I know it's my own fault and I don't think she'll ever forgive me."

"Bo, what did you see in her memory? I believe you when you tell me we were wrong to suspect her but I don't understand why you're so unsettled."

"I had no right to perform that ritual, and the least I can do is keep my mouth shut about what I saw there. She's not the bad guy, that's all you need to know."

"Okay," he says quietly, knowing not to push. Dyson arrives looking for help with a case and I'm all too eager to be distracted.

* * *

In the days that follow I feel an ache where Tamsin is supposed to be, like something is missing, though I'm doing my best to conceal my emotions from Lauren and everyone else. Tamsin decides to stay at Dyson's for the time being and comes to pick up her things about a week after what Kenzi has taken to calling 'the unspeakable incident'. I promise not to show my face and then hover at the top of the stairs, craning my neck to hear her conversation with the human.

They hug and Kenzi talks her into a drink as they wander from room to room packing all of Tamsin's belongings into a duffel bag. "What did Bo tell you… about my memories?" the Valkyrie asks cautiously.

"Nothing, I swear on Geraldine and my entire boot collection, she hasn't breathed a word to anyone about any of it. All I know is that she feels terrible and would do anything to talk to you. You could just yell at her, you know, even scream. She knows she deserves it. Just get it out there and we can go back to normal."

"I don't want to see her." God, she sounds so wounded when she says these words.

"Ever again? You know how much that sucks for _me,_ right? I have missed you, young lady. You took off with no warning, and now that you're finally back I don't get to see you anymore? I will be in serious Tam-Tam withdrawal. We didn't even watch the X-Files movies."

"I'll be around Kenz, I'm going back to work with Dyson and we can watch movies and go for milkshakes and shoplift eyeliner together just like before, I just… I don't want to run into Bo."

"We will never speak of our shopping trips to anyone!" Kenzi hisses, probably worried that I've overheard. I'm not really in a position to judge her questionable parenting skills considering I destroyed any and all trust Tamsin had in me.

"Okay," she laughs. "Kenzi, I just want to say… of all the people who've raised me over the course of my various childhoods, you were my favourite." I can hear the warmth in her voice and soon it sounds like Kenzi is giving her another hug.

"I don't even fully understand why you stepped up and took care of me," she continues.

"Well, first off, if I left you with Dyson you'd have learned terrible grooming skills, no offense to him. And secondly, you might have been a total bitch in your last life, but I'll never forget that you were the one who freed Bo and helped her rescue me from Inari. You really did save my life that day, Tamsin."

"I guess we're even then." She's so sweet with Kenzi –there's no trace of the front she always puts up with me. I have to admit I feel a twinge of jealousy.

Kenzi updates Tamsin on the Hale situation and everything she missed on TV, which takes a while, and then she finally leaves, promising to stay in touch. Every cell in my body wants to follow her out the door but I resist the impulse.

* * *

Months pass. Lauren is slightly suspicious and mentions the Valkyrie from time to time but I stonewall, hoping she won't figure out what I actually learned inside Tamsin's mind or what it means to me. It's not fair, I know it's not fair. And she does too. We're spending less and less time together and I don't even know what's going on between us.

One morning I wake to find her staring at me, a vague look of anger on her face. "What _did _you see in Tamsin's head, Bo?"

"I'm sorry, why are you asking me this question again for the hundredth time the minute I wake up? I already told you, I didn't see anything but proof she's not evil. I don't understand why we can't let this go." In truth the tension has been building between the doctor and I precisely because _I _can't seem to let the Valkyrie go, and Lauren is intuitive enough to sense that something is different about me, something that's causing us to drift apart.

"You know you mumble her name in your sleep almost every night?" My face turns beet red at this revelation.

"At first, I thought maybe you were stuck in her head, like something went wrong with the ritual and you were confused, but just now you said 'Tamsin, come back to me', which would suggest you're not confused, you know exactly what you want, and it's Tamsin."

"No, it's not like that, I miss her because she's part of the family now, Kenzi raised her..." That is what I've been trying to convince myself in my head but saying it aloud, I wonder who I'm kidding.

Lauren sighs angrily. "She told me about the kiss, right before I told you I wanted to take a break. And when you came back, I told myself that I'd overreacted, that it meant nothing and she was just trying to get under my skin. But I was wrong, and it seems she's already under _your_ skin."

"Lauren..." I want to justify myself but I can't.

She scoffs at my pathetic attempt to make excuses.

"Could you just do me the courtesy of not bullshitting me, Bo? You're a really shitty liar, and you know what? That's actually a good thing, because now I know better than to waste any more of my time trying to make this work with you. "

"I'm sorry, Lauren. I didn't mean-"

"Save it for someone who cares," she mutters as she gathers her things.

I let her have the last word.

* * *

"So whatever happened between you and the doc clearly has something to do with Tamsin." It's a statement more than a question; Kenzi doesn't have to ask, she always just knows. We're sitting at the island in the kitchen, sipping beer late into the evening the day after Lauren's departure. Of course my best friend can put two and two together but I still don't want to say anything.

"Kenz, you know I-"

"You're not going to tell me what you saw when you decided to go full on creeper in Tam-tam's head, I know. And I'd still be mad at you for that if I couldn't see you moping around here every day feeling guiltier than a choirboy in a brothel. But you know, let me just lay out the facts as I know them. One: Tamsin kissed you in Brazenwood. Two: she ended up getting shot saving your ass at Taft's compound. Three: that day you saved her from Massimo she asked me if it was normal for girls to love other girls. From then on I witnessed her stealing some pretty intense glances at you. You know where I'm going with this."

"Kenzi, it's not my place to talk about-"

"Okay, I get it, we won't say another word about Tammers and her feelings. What are _your _feelings, Bo? Let's not pretend I haven't noticed you cuddling her pillow in the past few months."

She grins as I blush and scowl at her all at once.

"Putting aside the fact that I feel like the world's biggest asshole, the worst part is that I actually couldn't wait for her to grow up and be herself again. She was always so confusing in her past life but-"

"But?"

"But there was something between us. When I got back and she was a kid, I know this sounds stupid but I was angry with her at first because it was like she'd erased all the progress we'd made. And now I've killed any chance to see where things might go – she hates me."

"Give her time, Bo. She _wants_ to hate you, but she clearly wanted to hate you in her previous life and that didn't exactly go as planned."

"I don't know, Kenz- I think I may have given her just the push she needed."


	3. Chapter 3

Night after night, I dream the same thing: I am pursuing Tamsin and she flies away before I can reach her. Kenzi tells me to wait for her to cool off, that I need to give her time, but time drags on and I fear I can't stand to wait any longer before I see her again. Then Massimo forces her hand by breaking into the clubhouse and stabbing Hale. I arrive home to find Kenzi crying hysterically as the dark patch of blood on his tank top spreads steadily outward.

"Take my chi and give it to him. Like you did at the Dawning, with Dyson," she begs.

"I can't Kenzi. I had a room full of people to draw from before, you don't have enough chi to revive him-"

"Take it!" she shrieks, shaking me by the shoulders. The look in her eyes tells me she'll never forgive me if I don't do as she asks. I take a pull of her chi, probably more than I should, and give it to Hale. It's not enough.

"Take more!" she demands.

"I can't, it'll kill you," I plead. I look over at Hale; the siren is fading before my eyes. We could take him somewhere but we don't have time, he'll be dead in minutes.

My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the door fly open and there is Tamsin. She strides toward us and kneels, her wings folding back into her shoulders. "Take mine," she calmly instructs, and I do as I'm told. I draw her chi out in a long stream and it is even stronger than before, more powerful than any life essence I've ever encountered. I feel drawn toward her like a magnet but I don't dare get close enough to kiss her for fear of crossing a line. I breathe the chi into Hale's mouth and after an incredibly tense minute, he coughs and opens his eyes. Kenzi slides his top up to reveal the wound is gone and gasps with relief. The siren folds her into an embrace and as they lay on the floor whispering, I sit back and study the Valkyrie, who is gazing at Kenzi with an affectionate expression on her face. I took a great deal of chi from her but she doesn't look fazed.

"Tamsin, how did you know?" I can't help asking.

"I know when my kin are in danger," she says tersely. Her tone is cold but her aura betrays her. I'm comforted to see it's as bright and pure as ever, a crown of light that extends around her whole body.

"This was Massimo, wasn't it?" she asks. I nod silently. The blonde leans in and touches Kenzi's shoulder, "I'm going to take care of that fucker. I'll be back soon, okay, Kenz?"

The human pulls her into a hug and she reciprocates.

"I'm going with you," I announce.

"No, you're n-" she starts, but Kenzi interrupts."Please Tammers, let her go with you. I'll worry if you go alone."

"Fine," she concedes, knowing now is not the time to argue with the human."But this isn't going to be like last time; I'm going to kill him and you aren't going to stop me."

"No, I won't," I reassure her. I have no mercy left for the druid, not after this.

* * *

Massimo is waiting in his studio, gun in hand. "It had to be done, Succubus," he whines. "It was for the fate of the fae."

"A shitstain like you has no place meddling with the fate of the fae," Tamsin hisses as she scans the room. He appears to be alone.

"Where's the twig of Zamora?" I demand. I step forward, my eyes flashing blue. The druid panics and waves his gun toward me, but Tamsin's wing is suddenly wrapped around me. Shots ring out but don't touch me. She lunges forward to disarm him.

"And Death shall come to you on swift wings, you little shit." Soon she is pummeling him, unleashing a torrent of what I can only assume are Norwegian curse words as her fists slam into his face over and over again. I interrupt her and pat him down until I find the twig in his jacket's inside pocket. The Valkyrie then continues, overcome with rage though her target is long past subdued. There is blood all over his face and her knuckles. Tears stream down her cheeks and she keeps punching him for several minutes, cursing all the while. When she finally stops, he's clearly dead. She steps back and his body disappears.

"Where did he go?"

"I sent him to Helheim, which is basically hell," Tamsin says, her voice barely above a whisper. Her face is red; she avoids my gaze as she wipes her tears away. She looks embarrassed. Tamsin was always a fierce fighter but very, very controlled. Now she seems totally unhinged.

I look over at the blonde's blood tinged wings and realize that this is where I first saw them, the day Massimo kidnapped her for her hair. I can still hear her words, echoing in my head. _You despise me... That's what love feels like. _She is quiet and I wonder if she's remembering the same moment.

"Thank you for saving me from yet another bullet," I sigh, unsure of how to break the tension. She looks into my eyes and nods uncomfortably.

"You have a knack for attracting bullets, don't you?" she retorts with a weak smirk.

"It would seem so," I take a step toward her. She turns and walks away before I get too close.

"Come on succubus, Kenzi will be worried."

* * *

After verifying that we've returned in one piece, Kenzi retires to her room to cuddle with Hale. The Valkyrie goes to clean herself up while I mop up the blood still puddled on the kitchen floor. Tamsin emerges in one of Kenzi's t-shirts and an old pair of her pyjama bottoms; I hope this means she'll stay the night.

"Oh no, your hands." Her knuckles are swollen from punching Massimo. I reach out to touch them but she shrugs me off.

"No big deal, they'll heal in no time."

I grab some vodka, pouring myself a shot and handing her the bottle. She smiles when she sees the other dozen bottles of vodka sitting in the cupboard. "I see you've stocked up."

I blush a little. "I wanted to be prepared in case you ever came back."

Her expression softens and I can tell she's touched by the gesture.

"How... have you been?" I venture timidly. She looks me up and down and I can tell she appreciates that I know just how badly I fucked up.

"I'm alright. Back at work, new truck..."

She wants to keep it light but I can't resist asking. "How did you know we were in trouble earlier? You were here within minutes like you had some kind of Valkyrie bat-signal."

She sits down on the couch and I settle at the far end to give her some space. "Valkyries have a preternatural ability to sense danger and... when our loved ones are in danger we can sense that too. That's why Acacia said love will get you killed. I'm more vulnerable now that I'll do anything to protect Kenzi."

I'm stunned, I hadn't expected her to acknowledge something she knows I saw in her memory so frankly. "And me," I add.

She raises her eyebrow, surprised that I dared to say this. "And you," she finally concedes, taking another swig from the bottle.

"I'm not really used to it," she admits, "you saw me back there, I flipped the fuck out. I fucking _cried_."

"You just need time to adjust," I pause, trying to find the right words. "I don't think love will get you killed, Tamsin. You're kind of invincible, in case you hadn't noticed."

She smiles and shakes her head.

"Are you kidding? If you hadn't been here today Hale would be dead. I can't even imagine what we would have done..." Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. I've almost never felt as powerless as I did sitting there, just hours ago, watching Hale bleed out, watching Kenzi's heart break.

For a second she looks conflicted, and then to my surprise, the Valkyrie moves closer to me and takes my hand in hers. "But I _was_ here, and he's fine."

"I know, but-"

"Massimo is gone," she whispers, slowly pulling me into a hug. All evening I have observed the strength of her aura and now I can almost feel it wash over me, calming my nerves. She holds me until we drift off to sleep.

* * *

I wake up the next day on the couch still nestled in Tamsin's arms, my head resting on her chest. Even in her sleep her aura is glowing. I sit for a few moments, listening to her heartbeat and reveling in her familiar smell. "God, I missed you," I sigh without thinking. I feel her body stiffen at my words and I look up to find a very awkward expression on her face. Comforting me last night might have come naturally but in the light of day her embarrassment seems to have flooded back to her. Luckily, the moment is interrupted by Kenzi loudly descending the stairs.

"I've got to go… supposed to be at the precinct by 8…" the Valkyrie mumbles as she gathers her jacket. She avoids eye contact with me, stopping to hug Kenzi before she races out the door.

The human casts a suspicious look at me. "What went on last night between you?"

"Nothing, we had a real conversation and we cuddled, but I guess she got spooked again."

"Bo, you're my favorite person in the whole world but if you hurt my baby Tam-tam I will never forgive you." Her protective instinct is touching.

"I won't Kenz-"

"I know you've missed her but you need to check yourself before you hurt her even more. Do you even know what you want?"

"Her." The word comes to me with such ease because underneath, I've known it all along. "I just want her."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I decided to do the conclusion from Tamsin's POV to mix it up. Thanks for reading and reviewing and long live Valkubus!

* * *

Later that day, I'm sitting in a Dark bar on the edge of town with Kenzi, hearing all about Hale's proposal and their upcoming plans. After several hours and about 2 bottles of vodka, Kenzi raises the subject I've managed to avoid discussing until now.

"So, Blondie, I couldn't help but notice that you spent the night cuddling with Bo and then bolted this morning..."

I frown.

"When are we finally going to talk about what went on when she performed that ritual?" she asks.

"You've been liquoring me up all evening with this little chat in mind, haven't you?"

"Who, moi?"

"Yes, toi."

"Fine, you got me, but I've been patient up until now and you know you can't hold out forever, Tamsin. What memory did Bo see that drove you so crazy?"

"Even if she didn't tell you, Kenz, I'm pretty sure you've deduced it by now."

"As brilliant as my deductive skills may be, I want to hear your version and it wouldn't kill you to share a little with the woman who taught you how to brush your hair and put it up in that perfect bun."

I smile and roll my eyes. She has a point. If there is anyone in the world I can trust, it's the human sitting next to me.

"It goes without saying," I mumble, "that you will never breathe a word of this to anyone."

"Cross my heart, hope to wear beige."

"I was in Norway, in a forest retreat for newly reborn Valkyries. I was having a great time with my kind and I'd been there about a week when one night I was woken up by a strange, splitting headache. One by one, all of my memories started coming back to me in an overwhelming wave. It wasn't gradual the way it's supposed to be, and I could sense her there the whole time. She was watching everything, feeling everything I'd felt. I raced to the fae travel agency but by the time I made it back here she'd already been through almost all of my past."

She poses her next question very cautiously: "What did she see that left you so shaken?"

I let out a heavy sigh and look down at the table, speaking in a low voice. "_She felt me fall in love with her_."

"Oh, honey," Kenzi grips my shoulders sympathetically. She's not surprised. Of course she had an idea; in my Valkyrie adolescence I did a piss poor job of concealing my admiration for the succubus.

"Remembering that I had loved her in my past life was enough of a shock in itself; knowing that she was sifting through my mind at the very moment I remembered– I just couldn't handle that."

"Of course not. I can see why you flipped out."

"Mmmhmm. You know, when I left the house that day, I hoped that maybe that sense of betrayal would snuff out my feelings toward her."

"And?"

"And I've hated Bo, but only in that way you can hate someone you actually desperately desire. Seeing her again last night confirmed that I haven't gotten her out of my system and I'm starting to think I never will. Christ, I'm pathetic."

"No, you're not. You're a superhero who saved my boyfriend's life _and_ you have flawless hair."

It's hard not to feel cheered up by Kenzi's special brand of pep talk.

"She really does feel terrible-" the human starts.

"I _know_ she feels terrible about what she did –yesterday, every time I glanced over and saw that guilty look on her face I was reminded that she's that rare type of person who really suffers when she knows she hurt someone."

"That's my bestie. No one does remorse quite like her."

"When she finally broke down over what happened to Hale it was so easy to give in and console her, to fall asleep on that lopsided couch with her arms wrapped around me. And then of course, I woke up to the sound of her saying she missed me and I panicked."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know what else to do but leave town. Since my rebirth I have watched Bo carrying on with Dyson. She knows he loves her but she doesn't love him back, and yet she won't admit to herself that they can't sustain this thing they have going. The poor wolf returns over and over again, never satisfied, almost like an addict chasing a drug that doesn't even make him feel good anymore. And let's face it, she'd be just as willing to slot me in the same role, cuddling me when it suited her and taking my chi, choosing not to notice how that kind of arrangement would break my heart in slow motion…"

Kenzi mulls something over in her head. "You're right, whatever she has going on with Dyson isn't healthy and I don't want you to go through that. I'm obviously biased against the idea of you leaving town but I respect that you gotta do what you gotta do. Still, I think you owe it to yourself to express your thoughts to her, Tamsin, just once, before you leave."

"I'll think about it," I tell her. Really I have no intention of approaching Bo. At this point it's just a matter of deciding where to go. I have quite a few calls to make.

* * *

The next night after work, I decline Dyson's invitation to join him and Hale at the Dal, settling again for the same dreary bar I've been visiting almost every night for months. I'm nearly done my third bottle of vodka when lo and behold, the succubus sidles up to my table, clutching a pint of Dark Belch. An army of butterflies seizes my stomach as my eyes move up and down her body. She looks nervous, yet determined.

"Jesus succulet, stalk much?" The irritation in my voice is half-hearted; I can't fully muster the bitchy attitude I want to project.

"Kenzi gave up the goods on your new favourite hangout. I have to say, I think the Dal is a better fit for you, this place doesn't even have a pool table."

"Is Kenzi okay?"

"She's fantastic."

"So what are you doing here?"

"I thought I could have a drink with you before you skip town." _Of course Kenzi told her._

"Oh _did_ you?" I force a laugh. "Shouldn't you be having drinks with Lauren?" _Ah yes –nothing wins over a woman's heart like bitter jealousy._

"Lauren and I broke up," she says emphatically. It doesn't even seem to bother her.

"Oh…" I'm a little stunned to hear this. Maybe she picked the wolf after all?

"Come on Tamsin, I thought we were getting somewhere the other night." She sits down across from me, careful to give me enough space.

"It was a little… intense." _Well no shit, great job stating the obvious._

"Yeah, it definitely was. Care to tell me why you raced out of my house yesterday morning?"

"I'm sorry, Bo," I sigh, "I just… it kind of hurts to be around you." Looking her in the eye, I shake my head, "I can't do this." I reach for my keys and start to rise from my seat but her hand clamps down on my shoulder.

"Please, Tamsin," she pleads, "I… there are things I have to say to you, things we need to talk about before you leave, and I promise, I won't bother you anymore if you just give me this one chance."

"Bo, I don't think there's anything you can say to-"

"I was wrong to go through with that ritual," she interrupts, jumping in before I have the chance to stop her. "You were right, I had no reason to suspect you of anything, and the worst part is that I already knew that, but I went through with it anyway just to prove Trick and Lauren wrong. And I know that if I were in your position I'd feel just as violated."

"But's that's just it, Bo, you wouldn't. You're an open book, you share everything with the people close to you. Me, though? You've seen enough to know that's not how I work. In all of my existence I have never been exposed on that level."

She has a pained expression on her face as she registers my point. "You're right. I am so sorry, Tamsin, it kills me to have hurt you so badly. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it back."

I study her for a moment, and then drain the remaining vodka from the bottle in one fell swoop. "If wishes were horses, you and I could open a stable between us."

"I know I can't change what I did, but for what it's worth, I didn't see anything in your head that made me think any less of you."

"Really?" I snicker. "Not even the fact that I made a deal with the Wanderer in the first place? Or the way I nearly let him pressure me into delivering you to him?"

"I don't see the point in resenting you for a mistake you made a thousand years ago, and what really matters to me is that even after everything he did to you, you still didn't go through with it."

"I _couldn't _go through with it, in case you've forgotten. You were winning that fight."

"Only because your heart wasn't in it. You dreaded the idea of hurting me. When I fed off you I could taste your reluctance in your chi, in case _you've_ forgotten."

It annoys me so damn much when she's right.

"And… I'm sorry about your friend Acacia. I wish you wouldn't have had to deal with that alone." She puts her hand over mine. I shut my eyes, fighting back the tears that always form whenever I think of my oldest friend and the awful fate that befell her.

"I'm sorry I took the deal. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth sooner."

"I don't care, Tamsin. I forgive you." There is that voice again, the one that totally disarms me.

I stare down at the table, struggling not to smile and give in.

"I should go," I finally say, trying to avoid eye contact.

"I'll drive you home, you're looking a little tipsy."

I mutter under my breath as we make our way to my truck and she snatches away my keys.

* * *

After several minutes of slightly uncomfortable silence, she realizes she doesn't know where she's going. "Where are you staying these days? Dyson's?"

I gesture to the back seat; she turns to see a pillow, a flimsy blanket and my old duffel bag.

"Don't tell me you're living in your truck again. It'll be winter soon…"

"And I have giant wings to keep me warm. I usually park a few blocks away from the station; that way I can roll out of bed and shower before my shift." I can tell she's unimpressed.

Twenty minutes later we're sitting outside her house.

"I'm not going in there," I cross my arms defiantly. She is staring at me, working up the nerve to say something. She must be hungry: her eyes flash blue for a second, but she closes them while taking a deep breath and they go back to normal. I am about to launch into a lecture about how I'm not going to let myself be used as a snack when she finally asks the question she's been working up to.

"After we fought in the lab at Taft's, you _knew_ I was going to kiss you. Why did you run away?"

_Because I'm a coward, obviously._ "I'm not having this conversation." _See? Exactly what a coward would say._

"Please, Tamsin, tell me why you ran away."

I reach for the door but she hits the power locks and grabs hold of my arm. "I know that what I did was beyond fucked up, but now that I know how you felt we may as well talk about it. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"You said you were in love with me. I..._felt_ it, inside you. I can see it in your aura even now."

I already knew of her aura-reading capabilities but it's dizzying to be reminded that she's been able to see past my frosty exterior this whole damn time. "Everyone falls in love with you, you're a fucking succubus."

"I'm more than just a succubus to you."

I stop cold, remembering the day I said that to Acacia. It is pointless to argue with her, to deny what she saw for herself firsthand. "What do you want from me, Bo?" I eventually sigh, defeated once again.

"I want you to say it out loud."

This ignites a fresh spark of indignation inside me. "Why? Haven't I been humiliated enough? Why can't you leave me be? Why are you hell bent on hearing me admit I'm in love with you?"

"So I can say it back."

I freeze, my mind racing and my heart pumping on all cylinders. Her tone was undeniably earnest yet I can't help but feel suspicious, like she's only saying it to assuage her guilt. "That's your solution? Just will yourself to love me back and everything is okay?"

"It's not a solution, Tamsin," she says defensively, "if anything I have tried to will myself _not_ to feel anything for you because it only complicates things. I wanted to think that Lauren was right for me, that we were meant for each other. It would have been easier that way but nothing was ever easy with her. Ever. Then you came strolling out of god knows where, a total fucking bitch who wanted to put me in jail, and still we clicked, against all odds. You didn't want to fall for me and I didn't want to fall for you and neither of us got what we wanted."

I can feel my eyes widen at her last sentence.

"And you were so hot and cold it confused me, I knew we had a connection, yet I doubted your feelings until I felt them myself. But now I know they're as real as mine, so why keep pretending they're not?"

When she's done venting she looks at me like she wants a response, but I'm dumbstruck.

She moves closer until we aren't quite touching but I can sense her body heat. "Please say something," she urges. I look into her eyes and can tell she's on edge, waiting to see whether or not I'll reject her.

"How do I know that you're for real?" I manage to stammer.

She pauses. "You know the feeling you got when you kissed me in Brazenwood?"

I nod, a deep blush creeping over my cheeks. How could I forget?

"That's the way I feel about you. I felt it in Brazenwood, and after we fought at Taft's. I felt it the other night when we fell asleep together." She moves even closer to me, takes my hand and places it to her chest so I can feel just how fast her heart is beating. "I feel it right now, sitting here with you." I know she's not using her persuasive charm but it damn well feels like it. That's just how Bo is –she'd make people melt this way even if she wasn't a succubus.

"You can tell me to go away," she says, "and I'll leave you alone. But I'm in love with you, Tamsin and I'm really hoping that I didn't fuck everything up for good."

She doesn't have to wait long for my inevitable surrender.

"You didn't," I reassure her, my voice cracking a little. Her whole body seems to relax when she hears these words.

"I… I'm sorry I wasn't more forthcoming in my last life, but these emotions were very new to me; I'd been set in my ways for thousands of years and the whole thing came as a shock. I couldn't tell what terrified me more, the Wanderer or the fact that I'd fallen in love with you." She closes her eyes and her grin widens when she hears the word 'love'. She must be relieved to hear me finally confess what she's known for months now.

"Whoa, am I that scary?" she jokes.

"For a Valkyrie, yes. My feelings for you challenged everything I thought I knew about myself."

She nods without saying anything; her eyes tell me that I'm understood.

Then she leans towards me, close enough that I can feel her breath on my cheek. "Does this scare you?" she whispers. Truthfully, it does, but I'm not going to run away this time. I swallow my fear and press my lips against hers, my body trembling. She sighs softly as she wraps her arms around me, pulling me toward her. My hands find their way beneath her jacket and she moans when they reach her skin.

She moves to lay a trail of kisses down my neck and shoulders. "Does this mean you'll come in the house?" she teases.

My lips find hers again. "Mmmhmm," I murmur as we both smile into the kiss.


End file.
